Mid life – choose celebration, not crisis

If crisis is daily, then no need a special day for it

in the middle of team meeting, one of my peer colleage who are my age, asked a question which drives me to this post. “When was your mid life crisis bro?” asked Teddy, who just entered our team for 4 weeks and adapting to a place of younger generation. 

I used to ask myself that question very frequently as i seem to go through constant anxiety and adaptation through the course of my adulthood. Raised in traditional family, i of course carry the hopes and pride of my parents who have their own fight day in and out, hence the only silver lighting to them being shared how amazing i did at school, or so i thought. I gave me the duty and also burden in my heart to go and keep pushing for years. 

When do i feel like crisis? almost all the time. Even when i thought once i get married, my partner will help me forget about all this anxiety as i could be my self. Oh my, i was so wrong, in married life, anxiety come in new shapes and sizes. It could transform into depression, self blame, uncontrolled anger, you name it

i assume living modern society where techonlogy leap frog, causing human to get lost and confused easily. Yesterday, our brain is still IOS 1, now they need IOS 5 to deal with things out there. I just want to slow down

At least, what i do is to stop follow the standards, or myth i though i have to comply. Graduate with honors, jobs at Big 4, marry early, have 2 kids,.etc..Standards are always there. What values you follow, you treasure and want to live for, it is up to you

The moment i came to realise that, i no longer care of mid life crisis

life is giant university, embrace each class and move on

What got me there to all these society hoop above (school. jobs, etc) cannot get me through my 40s

before i am so good at pushing forward by beating myself  so hard to a point i felt weird when i get to relax, go on holiday. I felt guilty to have a good time, to turn off my phone. 

The way i was raised add up. I remember my Mom keep working day and night, keep worrying, keep saving. She never stops. It is so inspiring, dearly, but at the same time, haunting 

I felt like a failure everytime i tend to relax. I felt like a betrayal of  my mom’s expectation, which she never spell out loud

Living abroad for 10 years, read so many books on self development, i still cannt shake it

 

Even when i became a father, the kid inside me still felt it 

But, when i start following the personality test MBTI, something strange happen. I start looking at me from outsider view. OH, i am just an MBTI motif and that;s how i was built to think 

Now i got a framework to understand and communicate with myself. Best 300 bucks ever spent. I followed all the tips, test, instruction

 

I felt alive more than ever 

MBTI is just a start, a great start. Every time i see someone new, i try to figure which type they are, do we match and how can we. It helps me connect with myself and other people. I try to imagine the interview with my mom, who i try to understand through the lense of MBTI.

Other than MBTI, i open myself to other people understanding frameworks. The discovery process is fun and energy boosting for me

It is like i finally get it. Life is giant university campus. Go find your class. Go get educated. Don’t chase the grades, chase the insights, the lesson that is gift of life

 

 

Lastly, let's celebrate

I think a lot about being 40. But mostly the worries outweight the excitement. Given the current economic situation, it is hard to be positive. 

Yet i am proud to share that i officially became a watch collector by chance. 

I dont remember exactly but it started from asking myself a bunch of related questions and somehow God or Youtube hint me the answer

The questions go like, how rich people like Shark Tank judges invest? how are they doing in 40s 50s, what kind of life do they have beside work

Not only that, i was so doubtful about future, about income and if i can ever have anything valueble to pass on my daughter when she get married (she is 5 now, that’s how mid life crisis mind set works)

in a mysterious way or by algorithm, Youtube suggested some video where Mr Wonderful Kevin  talks about his watch collection hobby and how it meant so much to him. It struck me deeply as it came from a guy who is notorious for making tough deals, being cautious with his money, then collecting watch must be a thing that special

The more i learn about watch, the more i learn about history and realise watch is best tool to tell stories, to ourselves and to others, those we love.

Today, in my 40s i got luxury watch (within my budget) to celebrate life, celebrate the learnings, the experience, the scar, the moment i gained through life. I felt no shame, i let go of the appointment, the resentment, the rock that bury me 

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